Being the Host of Mordor Tours
by Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant
Summary: It isn't easy being Aedh. Not only does he have to host Mordor Tours by himself, he has to deal with all sorts of insanity! From an incredibly cheap and demanding Lord Sauron, to a fabulous Elven prince and a crazed Feanor, it will take all Aedh can do to stay sane. At least the poor Maia can count on Shelob and the Head Orc to help him deal with everything... hopefully. CANCELLED.


_So, I had a lot of people say they liked my OC, Aedh, so I decided to start a little series staring him and everything he must put up by heading Mordor Tours. For anyone who has not read my Middle-earth Vacation Spots, I'm not saying you should read it, but this will make a lot more sense if you do. A lot of the stuff in here are references from that Vacations Spots story (like Feanor and the Halls of Mandos...) and it's also the story that introduces Aedh. Also, to warn anyone who is not used to my work, everyone is, and should be, as out of character as possible. Except Aedh. He is very in character. And for any Legolas fans, yes I do not like him, and yes I am making fun of him, but I don't do this to offend anyone. I make fun of everyone in my parodies, characters I love or hate. Heck, I LOVE Feanor and I enjoy making fun of him so much it isn't even funny.  
><em>

_Anyway, I'll be continuing this, so you can all expect more stressful and crazy days for our cute little Maia, Aedh! Now, disclaimer! Maglor... go!_

_Maglor: Haven't I done this already?_

_Yes, but you're so adorable and you are so awesome, that I want you to do it again. 'Cause I love ya!_

_Maglor: Awww, thanks! ^_^_

_Legolas: Wat. What's so great about him? It's me you should ask to do the disclaimer!_

_No! I like Maglor, not you! So, shoo!_

_Legolas: But I want to do the disclaimer! _

_Nooooooo! Maglor is going to do it! Not you!_

_Legolas: No, I'm going to do it!_

_No, Maglor will!_

_Maedhros: Will you two stop?! BEFORE I KILL YOU!_

_Legolas: O_O O-okay_

_... ... ... Maglor is going to do the disclaimer! _

_Maedhros: ..._

_So... did I win?_

_Maedhros: *twitches* _

_Maglor: Um... Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant does not own Lord of the Rings of the Silmarillon. She owns Aedh. ...and she's about to die..._

_ARRRGGGGHHH, I WAS JUST JOKING, YOU CRAZY FEANORIAN! Anyway, enjoy, everyone!_

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><p>"Aaaaaaeeeeeddddhhhhh!"<p>

The high pitched squeal of the Head Orc made Aedh jump, causing him to spill his coffee.

Aedh groaned. Seriously, it was the freaking morning, and already someone was pestering him! And they had made him spill his coffee! Granted, Aedh didn't actually care much for this weird human beverage, but Shelob insisted it would give him the energy to get through the stressful days of heading Mordor Tours. So far, it hadn't worked. Why he kept drinking it, he had no idea. It was disgusting, but maybe he was addicted. Wait, _could_ Maiar get addicted to anything…?

"Aedh! Pay attention to me!" The Head Orc screamed.

Aedh rubbed his forehead. Barely after dawn, and he could already feel the beginnings of a headache. "What?!"

"You're about to get fired!"

Silence.

The Head Orc watched Aedh expectantly.

The Maia just started at the Orc.

After about 10 minutes of silence, the Head Orc could no longer stand it. "Well?! Say something!"

"…wat."

~later, with Lord Sauron~

"Loooord Sauuurrooon, how could you doooo thiiiisss tooooo meeeeeeeeeeeee?!"

Sauron gritted his teeth. Why, oh why, did Aedh have to whine so loudly?! Melkor, was he glad he had found a replacement for Aedh.

Aedh was pacing back and forth furiously, gesturing violently. "I've been loyal to you and Lord Melkor for ages! Ages, I tell you! I'm the only reason your Mordor Tours is still running! Heck, I even braved the Halls of Mandos for you -_which is the freaking domain of Namo, I might remind you!_- and _this_ is how you repay centuries of loyal service?! Whhhhhyyyyyy?!"

"Because I can't stand you!"

"That's not a legitimate reason!"

"We're all evil here! Hatred is the best reason!"

"WAAAAAA, I HATE YOU LORD SAURON!"

"WELL, I HATE YOU TOO!"

"I HATE YOU MORE!"

"I HATE YOU TO THE VOID AND BACK!"

"I'LL- I'LL- I'LL SICK _HER_ ON YOU!"

Sauron's mouth fell open. "You _wouldn't._"

"Oh, but I _would._" Aedh smirked at the horrified expression on Sauron's face. Aedh had so won; he could feel it.

Sauron snarled. He shouldn't give in. After all he was THE Dark Lord. Unfortunately… Aedh was great friends with _her_. _She_ wouldn't allow anyone to fire Aedh; _she_ thought he was the cutest thing ever and would suffer no one to 'pick on him' as _she_ would put it. If Sauron fired Aedh now, _she_ would slaughter him (Sauron).

"Fine! You can stay!"

"…and you'll increase my wage?"

"…yes."

"Aaaannndd you'll give me more days off? And actually make the others in Mordor Tours work?"

"… … …"

"Hmmm, I wonder if _she_ would be interested in coming to Mordor today…"

"Fine!"

Aedh smiled happily. He loved it when he won.

"However…" Sauron smiled evilly at the look of sudden apprehension on Aedh's face. "You'll have to work with my new employee… And I know quite well how much you hate him…"

Aedh's face drained of color. No… it couldn't be… Not him…

"Wow, Mordor is kind of… unfabulous."

A very smug elf with fabulous and shimmery blond hair sauntered up to the pair. Ah yes, the one-man-army. The object of a bazillion fan girls' fantasies. It. Was. Legolas.

Aedh twitched.

Sauron grinned.

Legolas whipped out a random hand mirror and touched up on his eye liner.

Aedh twitched some more.

Legolas smoothed his hair, and shot a full blown, glittery, all-the-fan girls-pass-out-from-nosebleeds smile at Aedh.

Aedh lost it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

~later, with Shelob, Aedh, and the Head Orc~

"And-and Lord Sauron said that from now on Legolas is going to be the co-host of Mordor Tours! He's supposed to help me lead the tours! I have to-I have to cooperate with him!" Aedh wailed.

Shelob shook her head(?) sympathetically and placed one of her legs in Aedh's shoulder. "That's so terrible. How could Lord Sauron hire an elf? And that elf?"

"I don't know! I don't even know why Legolas would work for us! He tried to kill us all, before!" Aedh cried.

"It's because he's smart and is siding with the winners. Duh." The Head Orc shook his head. Aedh was so simple.

"YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT MY MISERY, DO YOU?!"

"No, not really."

Aedh sobbed.

"Now, dear," Shelob soothed, "calm down. It won't be too bad, I'm sure. At least Lord Sauron is paying you more."

"I- all the money in the world isn't worth this!"

Shelob and the Head Orc started at Aedh in shock and with more than a little concern. The Maia was usually so obsessed with getting a higher wage. He always whined not getting paid enough. For him to say something like this-something was seriously wrong with him!

"Uh… well… it can't get worse at least, right?" the Head Orc said, trying to make feel Aedh feel a bit better, in hopes of getting the sobbing Maia to shut up.

He shouldn't have said that.

Legolas suddenly burst in the room. "Hey, where is my hair straightener! You took it, didn't you, Aedh?!"

Aedh buried his head in his hands and sobbed harder. Why did he have to put up with this?!

Shelob leapt to her friend's rescue. "Why would he need to do that?! His hair is naturally strait, unlike yours!"

That was apparently a sore point for Legolas, because the elf joined Aedh in sobbing.

That was when Thranduil decided to make an appearance. "Leggy, you forgot your straightener at home, so I came to give it-" he froze when he saw his dearest Leggy wailing. "WHO DID THIS TO YOU, MY SON?! I WILL KILL THEM!"

"She did!" The Head Orc yelped, pointing at Shelob.

Thranduil's eyes gleamed in fury, as he pulled a random sword out of nowhere and zoomed at Shelob. Shelob screeched and rushed out of the room, Thranduil at her heels. (Um… or whatever spiders have…)

Lord Sauron happened to decide to enter the room not too long after that. He stopped and just stared at the scene before him. A sobbing elf and Maia, a cackling Orc, and the sound of Shelob and Thranduil's screeching in the distance. "Uh… I'll come back later…"

Suddenly! A random Nazgul appeared!

"My lord! A loud elf has broken into Mordor and demands an audience with you!" the Nazgul hissed/whispered/screeched.

Before Sauron could reply, said loud elf burst into the room. It was Feanor, the insane Noldo somehow having managed to come back from the Halls, alive and well.

"I DEMAND YOU LET ME HOST MORE TOURS! I NEED MORE PEOPLE TO SEE HOW AMAZING AND EPIC I REALLY AM! I WILL NOT REST UNTIL ALL MY HATERS BECOME MY FANS AND I HAVE A DEVOTED ARMY OF FAN GIRLS TO FIND MY SILMARILS FOR ME!" Feanor screamed.

~meanwhile, in the Void~

Melkor was floating about in Nothingness, bored out of his mind. "Eru, I am so bored. I bet my lieutenant is having more fun than I am…"

~with Sauron~

"…I really wish I were in the Void right now… At least it would be peaceful…"

~meanwhile, in Valinor~

"…I almost feel sorry for Sauron…" Manwe said.

Varda shrugged. "At least Feanor is finally focusing his insanity on someone else, instead of blaming us for everything."

To be continued…

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><p><em>Okay, so would anyone actually be interested in reading more about Aedh's daily (insane) life? Also, Feanor is back! Who wants me to keep him around?! And yes, I'm sure there is no coffee in Middle-earth... but there is in my version. And yes, the Head Orc (does he count as an OC? I guess he does...) has a tiny, high pitched voice. And yes, Shelob and Aedh are best friends. And they occasionally hang out with the HO (head orc)<em>

_Anyway, before I leave and spare you all my rambling, does anyone want me to write a serious story about Aedh? Not his back story, because I need to re-read the Silmarillion first and do some research on Maiar before I can. But what about a short, angsty one shot? One where Aedh is depressed? (I know, the hyperactive, adorably sarcastic Aedh will be depressed. O_O) Also, who do you all think **she **should be? **She** could be anyone, a canon character, a reviewer, even me! (Only if you want; I promise I won't do a self insert unless you guys want me to.) You guys decide... in a review! _


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